I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
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Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?
I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.
When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult
I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.
It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.
Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…
My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?
*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*
ME: totes
Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
DOG: Correct
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.
Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.
Well, not on my watch.
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
Me: Stop fighting this minute!! ONE…
Kids: *fighting*
Me: TWO…
Kids: *still fighting*
Me (sweating): TWO AND A HALF
Kids: *brawling at this point*
Me: ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ *texting* mom I need help what happens if you get to three
I just called one ex a calculator and another a potential murder victim so if you’re looking for metaphors, I’m probably the grapefruit.
Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.