Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.

ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey

Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.

The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat

* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!

I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words

Cutest fight ever.. 😊

I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.

me: sorry we’re late

st peter: what happened

grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic

ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful

HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was

ME: ok now i’m bummed again

There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.

The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.

Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*

Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class

Me to 7yo: Why is your sister standing in the toilet!? Who showed her that?

7yo: Not me.

Me: Good. Because if you don’t wash your feet and did something like that, they would shrivel up and fall off.

7yo: I’ll be right back. I need to…go wash something…

Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.

Goats that intimidate others are bully goats

It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work

Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.

Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.

[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader

I like my women with curves.

Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.

I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh

scientifically speaking, how long do you plan to be this stupid?

it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test

Netflix: we added a show you might like

Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like

Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer

Me: go on

Netflix: who fall in love

Me: that sounds ok

Netflix: starring Paul Rudd

Me: *calls in sick*

Converstion would go :-
Tourist: G’day, can you tell me which way is Bondi Beach
Airport employee: Certainly. Its that way (points in a SE direction)
Tourist: Is it walkable distance?
Aiport employee: Not really
Tourist: Why!!?!?!
Airport employee: You’re in Austria

My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.

3 things you never get back :

A word after it’s said

Time after it’s passed

Your pen if I really like it

I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event

Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25

TOTAL: $76.42