My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.
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At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
True
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*
pickle jar: oh oh
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May
ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage
me: did i break my legs?
doctor: it was only 5 feet
me: and they’re ALL broken?!
[walks into restaurant] hello, do you serve chicken?
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door for my chicken friend] perfect
Hey IKEA,
Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.
If you’re looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet it’s in, hit me up.
Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!
I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday
I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
Some people were born into their job.
My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
My wife is in a Facebook group called Buy Nothing where people list stuff they’re giving away.
The other day, a lady came to our house to pick up two granola bars that we didn’t like
Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?
Spielberg’s movie “Catch Me If You Can” but it’s just me making up jobs I have so I don’t need to volunteer at school.
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.
Quarantine day 6: Went to this restaurant called The Kitchen. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.
Apparently, this is how the world ends.
