Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.

ME: I fear the number six.

THERAPIST: That’s odd.

ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.

INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”

If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact

Me: I can’t think of any life goals

Wife: God could you be any lazier?

Me: ooh good one

I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.

That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.

ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface

Remembered my dad suddenly. I had an argument with him – said he saw a Dodo Bird once in the 1970s. I told him that was impossible. He said he saw the fucking thing. Our family thought we were arguing about politics or something. Nope. Dodo Bird. Anyway I believe him now.

“My hair is noisy”
“My toe nails are itchy”
“someone peed in my pants”

– A list of my 4 year-old’s 3 a.m. Grievances.

If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?

I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.

[first date]

Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.

Me: What happened to your eyebrows?

Her: Not like that.

Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss

My parenting style is just spouting absurd ultimatums:

“Get your shoes on, or we won’t leave this house again for anything, ever.”

“Stop whining and walk, or I’ll donate your legs to someone who will appreciate them.”

“Turn off the TV, or I’m cancelling Netflix.”

A two-step guide to warning someone not to hit their head:

1. Wait until they’ve hit their head
2. Say “ooh, mind your head”

99 bottles of beer on the wall?

Challenge accepted

Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply

Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that

Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!

Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone

Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”

I hugged my husband when he got home from work and he seemed nervous. I knew something was off. The scent on his shirt smelled familiar then it hit me he cheated on me with my favorite restaurant. He smelled like shame and garlic bread.

No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.

I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.

I believe that’s the month between Septempril and Novembruary.

I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.

getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger

Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.

Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?

Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?

DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.