My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
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me: my father shall hear of this
them: is he powerful and wealthy?
me: no we’re just close
I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
ME: You’re a silly sausage aren’t you?
SAUSAGE: [peering over spectacles] I may have acted out in my youth but that’s not what defines me.
You’d think wearing a hospital gown in a pharmacy would insure prompt service, well I’m here to tell you kids, it does not.
[First Date]
I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*
I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.
Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.
Everyone likes rough sex until it’s on an IKEA bunk bed.
Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.
Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??
From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??
I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
Him: [sneezes]
Germs: ATTACK!
Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT
Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.
For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
{4 way stop}
Aliens: *radioing home base* We really need to give up on this planet
When I bought a new carpet my dog become a shark
{Me as a police trainee}
COP: So whoever killed him—
ME: Or WHATever kil—
COP: Nope. No. That’s not a real thing. WHOever killed him… did it with something sharp.
ME:
COP:
ME: *Quietly to myself* Or someONE sharp.
waiter: I’ll be right back with your ticket
me: can you just let me go with a warning this time
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?
THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?
Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
I picked up a packet of party food (mini pies) in the supermarket and someone next to me said, “ooh, they look good!”
I had no idea what to say in reply so I panicked and said “thanks very much!”
Can’t shop there again.