Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust

Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.

I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.

So how many people have you murdered?

They should have a section on the wing of the plane where people can go out for a cigarette

I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.

Kid: *falls down*

Me: You’re fine.

Kid: *runs into table*

Me: You’re fine.

Kid: *ball hits them in face*

Me: You’re fine.

Kid: *drops phone*

Me: OMG, did you break it?!

Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.

DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles

I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.

If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends

A penguin’s resolutions:

-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet

Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda

Me: *Unveils tray of brownies*

Neighbor: I said to bring a salad

Me: Salad is a colloquialism for brownies in my home

Neighbor: I don’t know that word

Me: It means ‘house’

“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old

Fans that catch foul balls at baseball games should count as outs. Imagine professional athletes swarming some random dude with mustard on his face to end the 9th inning

They got Raph!

“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid

It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.

Ah, the suitcase at the end of the trip. Seeing all the things you brought but didn’t use. A time to reflect upon the lack of knowledge you have of yourself and the world around you.

I’m not saying I killed it on the stock market today, but there’s a good chance I’m cutting up a hot dog into my Kraft Dinner tonight.

I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.

Don’tcha wish your g/f was fun like me?
*plays Twister*
Don’tcha wish your g/f was a freak like me?
*regurgitates a jellyfish*
Don’tcha…?

Me: don’t do it

Brain: GONNA DO IT

Me: I’m driving

Brain: HERE IT COMES

Me: there’s oncoming traffic

Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW

Me: you’re going to kill us both

Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST

Me: *pre sneeze face*

Brain: THIS AMUSES ME

You can now get 100% accurate weather information direct to your smartphone. Simply open the camera app, take a picture of the sky then look at the image.

Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.

Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*

Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink

My son just got braces and his mouth hurts too much for solid food so I made him a milkshake but he didn’t want it and then my husband said he’d drink it but then he didn’t end up wanting it either. So no, sadly my milkshake does NOT bring any boys to the yard.

5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.

What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?

Just bent over and heard a snap. Was hoping it was a broken rib but turns out it was the underwire in my last good bra snapping 😭