My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
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[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?
GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”
GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”
If you’re gonna name your son after you, at least make it interesting. Like, instead of Junior, go with something like “Jeff 2: Revenge of the Jeff
tired of age gap discourse. now let’s do vibes gap discourse, where one person in a couple lights up a room and the other is basically a sim
Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board
Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.
I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.
Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.
Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl
Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.
[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please
Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance
Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,
ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.
If owned an Italian restaurant, in October I would change the menu to say “fettucine afraido” and “garlic dread” and “boocatini”. I would go out of business, but it would be worth it.
“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
We Didn’t Start the Fire is a great song for many reasons, but one of the most underrated is, like all great history projects, it starts off super detailed & thorough until you realize it’s due the next day & you end up condensing 1963-1989 into like two stanzas
Wife: your birthday is coming up so don’t buy yourself anything for the next month
Me: ok I won’t.
[mini-horse walks through the kitchen]
Wife:
Me: starting now.
How fast is milk?
It’s pasteurised your eyes before you know it….
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty
any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
Why do meditation exercises always start by telling me to close my eyes? How am I gonna read the rest of the instructions?! 😆
Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory
Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit
Eleven out of ten people are stupid.