My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
You Might Also Like
*opens facebook messenger*
*sips mtn dew twice*
*strokes neckbeard*
*begins typing*
Sorry abt ur mom dying
Tis a shame
Btw ur attractive
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea
Patient: what? I don’t understand
Me (starts slow clap)
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??
ME: *slowly stands up*
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
{during sex}
him: i’m sorry, did you just say “faster, papa smurf”
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing
Today I noticed there is a newish gym right across the street from my office and thought “hey maybe I would work out between meetings” so I googled it. $230 a month. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Enough that it was probably an ab workout.
Just thinking about the time when my then 5y/o son wanted to be Indiana Jones for Halloween. He never saw the movie, but thought it’d be cool to have a whip so he could “whip all the annoying people” and I thought it was funny until he told me that I was one of them.
“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once
I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.
Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”
Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.
Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*
*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?
As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
I’m in a really bad place right now*
*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house
Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches