Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.

Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel

I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.

I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”

I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.

For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.

I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”

You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again

-Plagiarists

Every day Stephen King and I both:

1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet

Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch

If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.

Bruce Willis and the pug are lying on hospital beds, hand in paw. The pug’s kidneys are failing and despite science & logic,Bruce is a match

“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”

Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.

Another perk of being a music teacher…

Yesterday 4 said Stanley the snail on our outside wall was his best friend. Sadly Stanley fell off the wall overnight & showed no signs of life. I was worried how 4 would cope but turns out he’s already best friends with Mary the moth on our kitchen window. 4yos are fickle.

HER: NNNNNNNN

ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]

HER: ZZZZZZZZ

This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.

Must be doing something wrong.

Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol

I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom

You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug

13: Mom, you look younger every day!
Me: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
Me: How young?
13: 29
Me: Go get my wallet.

public bathrooms: wash your hands

also public bathrooms: here’s a microgram of soap, 2 seconds of water, and an inch of paper towel– good luck to ya!

If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.

I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”

Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:

1. Stay together forever
2. Break up

No pressure.

As a married dad of 3 kids, I can tell you that good behavior is not possible when going out for dinner. It’s even worse when you take the kids with you

Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.

[first date]

her: do u like dogs or cats better

me: [reading menu] what page are u on

Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue