Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.

Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
G: #2
M: another pen
G: wtf
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this

Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs

i don’t know who needs to hear this but you can totally just buy an ink stamp that says CLASSIFIED and stamp it on whatever you want

Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.

Me: You a good personal trainer?

Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.

Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.

Due to unfortunate circumstances things are no longer fergalicious nor bootylicious

Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…

I bought a CD today.

Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.

*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*

doctor: ok thanks for all your help

me: no problem, have a good one

doctor: love you bye

me:

doctor:

me:

doctor: i’m married

4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out

Bison may look friend-shaped, but they already have all the friends they want. Keep your distance and don’t make it awkward.

I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.

My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.

[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts

I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.

Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.

Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.

Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:

“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me

You’re the unreachable booger of people.

Pennywise does live in the sewer, rent free. That speaks to financial discipline. And he eats children, who are also free. Based on that, I’m gonna say the name is more likely earnest than ironic.

Not all heroes wear capes.

If you get bit by a radioactive cicada, you can only fight crime every seventeen years.

Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is

I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic

My husband likes that clear soup at Japanese restaurants because the vegetables are floating on top and easy to pick out, not at all hiding and trying to trick him into eating vegetables like with other soups.

In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.

You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine

“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”

Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”

Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.

Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.

Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-

Me: Is this even a garden??