My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
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My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.
The reason I wrap my potato in tinfoil before baking it is so that the government can’t tell what the potato is thinking
Would I like wedges? No thank you, I shall stick with fries. Not a huge fan of starch that takes 30 minutes to cool down enough to eat while simltaniously becoming totally inedible, but thank you for offering me your salty paper weights.
My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]
Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*
ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?
The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
The Proclaimers claim they would walk 500 miles, only offering 500 more after the fact simply to exceed predetermined expectations.
Vanessa Carlton, on the other hand, offers the full 1000 miles up front in one lump sum, even AFTER making her way downtown.
In this essay, I will
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature
Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.
Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.
Next time I feel incompetent at my job, I hope I remember that someone once pushed a live software update that crashed half the planet.
Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.
My 4yo screamed at the top of his lungs at 6:45am this morning, we are staying at my in laws, so I said “I’m not sure everyone likes it when you scream like that.” Then, from the other side of the room, my 18mo who last week could barely say 10 words, “Winnie like it”
“oh dude you’re gonna want to see this” i yell to my dog from the other room upon seeing 2 squirrels on a fence
Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.
Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.
I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.
His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”
Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
Remember to think of others this holiday season!
Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
Parenting explained
Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at momThem: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
“Who’s the new guy?”
“We’ll explain later.”
“But-“
“Just look at the camera, Steve.”
Supermassive Black Hole
Or what others call pizza night
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.