My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
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in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s
Me: “Can you go back four slides?”
Bride: “To the wedding dress?”
Me: “No, the cheese plate.”
Me: Wipes tears.
DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common
MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile
Mom: I HEARD UR SICK
Me: just a cold
Mom: U HAVE THE ZIKA
M: no I-
Mom: OH GOD IT’S ZIKA
M: mom-
Mom: I TRIED TO RAISE U RIGHT
M: wait, what
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings
You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo
Waking up has backfired on me so many times
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
He’s making his list…He’s checkin’ it twice.
He left it at home.
He’s texting his wife.
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
[at restaurant]
Me: What’s under all that garnish?
Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.
I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]
A bug on my hood as I’m leaving the driveway. Suddenly I’m the nameless adult in a Disney movie ferrying him away from all he’s ever known.
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”
Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you can’t be here.
ME: But I AM here.
SECURITY: I understand that, but you can’t be in this area.
ME: I think I have definitely shown that is not true.
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
CDC: You can take your mask off if you’re fully vaccinated
AMATEUR VENTRILOQUIST: Goddammit
Seeing a lot of people questioning how a bridge that big can collapse that quickly, so as someone with an engineering degree, I’ll try to break it down from a technical perspective:
Bridges aren’t designed to withstand a giant ship crashing into them. Hope that helps!