My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
You Might Also Like
me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”
Not muting your mic is the new reply all
BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?
Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.
Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.
[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
God: go forth and multiply
Me: [bad at math] what
Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle
i used the “😭” emoji in a work chat and the manager of a separate department got upset about it and said this to my boss about me
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.
when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
centipede: *gets down on one knee*
girlfriend: omg
centipede: *puts down second knee*
girlfriend: uhm…okay
centipede: *puts down third knee*
girlfriend: please stop
Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”
Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*
I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”
Me: “Hello, I’m here for my interview at IKEA.”
Interviewer: “Come on in! Make a seat!”
I’m only seeing the new Jurassic Park if the dinosaurs aren’t a metaphor for anything. Don’t want to look at a stegosaurus and have to think about neoliberalism or the modern surveillance state
everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”
My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
