My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.
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*at divorce court
Me: She hasn’t touched Mr. Peppy in 10 years, your Honor.
Judge: I’m sorry – What??
Her: I win, right?
The Office: Coronavirus
Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this
Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity
Angela wears a hazmat suit
Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine
1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost
{first date}
Him: I’m 100% Italian.
*trying to impress him*
Me: Wow that’s so crazy my dad happens to be a calzone
Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!
Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?
Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!
[grocery store]
me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
[kill bill sirens]
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.
Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.
Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.
Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”
Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*
Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….
Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.
Husband: can we try some new positions in the bedroom?
Me: sure!
Husband: any ideas?
Me: [excited] sleepy sloth?
Husband:
Me: [more excited] hibernating bear?
Husband:
Me: [most excited] the lazy starfish?
[Jr. Biology class, girls in jumpsuits burst in]
OK, who’s ready for fun? We’re The Photosynthesisters & we’re gonna talk 2 U about PLANTS!
Me: I’m gonna search the periodic table for relief from my cramps haha get it?
Him: Actually there are elements that can help. Magnesium for example is calming and-
Me: What’s the symbol for arsenic?
I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.