My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
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Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon
[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb
Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
Mad Max- road rage
Atlas- road page
Highway worker- road wage
Radar gun- road gauge
Dog catcher- road cage
Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.
ME: We’re adopting a baby!
FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?
ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension
I found a YouTube video that addresses a question I have, but I can’t skip the ad, so I have decided to muddle through life not knowing the answer.
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
[marriage counseling]
We just don’t see eye to eye
“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”
YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine
Hear me out. What if we don’t elect another president, and we all just promise to be really good?
wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???
me: i’m over in the cereal.
wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.
me: *whispers* open the box.
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
[Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”
ME: goodnight honey
WIFE: goodnight
EVIL BULLFROG THAT LIVES UNDER OUR BED: *angry ribbit ribbit*
BOTH OF US (in unison): goodnight evil bullfrog
*happy ribbit ribbit*
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]
all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
Job interview…
Interviewer “On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery.”
“That’s correct.”
“Would you like to elaborate?”
“No.”
Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay