My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
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ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
ROBIN:
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
ROBIN:
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon
RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.
me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
BETRAYAL
Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”
Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
Doctor’s office: You’re overdue for a physical.
Me: Ok.
Dr: We recommend you getting one as soon as possible.
Me: Do I have to?
Dr: You really should get one ASAP.
Me: Ok. Fine. Schedule me for one.
Dr: The earliest appointment we have is 6 months from now.
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm
A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’
*A Girl Passes by..*
Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
me: do you want more breakfast
6: no im full i have a small tummy
me: ok that’s fine you can-
6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-
me: I SAID you can go now thanks
People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”
Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.
Friend: That’s not the saying!
Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!
Couch Potato: Do you think I’m fat?
Sweet Potato: I think you’re beautiful.
Baked Potato: Why do we have eyes that can’t see?
today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes
#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.
Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate