Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches

When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.

“Name?”

Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…

“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”

Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.

*panic sets in.

Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.

*extreme panic sets in

Her: I like long walks on the beach.

Me: Is there WiFi?

Her: Where?

Me: The beach.

Her: What?…No.

Me: We should see other people.

My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.

I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”

Six feet under.

– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster

11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini

13: can I play video games?

ME: yep

WIFE: nope

ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice

The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.

I’ve started listening to audiobooks and I have to say it’s much easier than listening to physical books.

I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall

I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.

Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”

The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy

Pilot: Hi folks, I thought it’d be nice to speak to you out here instead of over the intercom. Unrelated, is anyone on board a locksmith?

I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm

“Omg, I literally just died”

-people who literally don’t know what literally means

Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.

don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather

I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam

Was very impressed with the air and space museum. Was not expecting all the planes. I thought it was just going to be a big empty building based on the name. But I get it now.

Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.

*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*

Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried

My husband just brought me a glass of wine unprompted. He must’ve noticed I cut my bangs today.

Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.

Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.

me: where do you live?

schrödinger’s cat: a box

me: I mean like what state

cat: both of them

Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?

-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut