My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
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Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood
STUDENT: Is there anything I can do to get my grade up?
TEACHER: {biting lip} There may be one thing.
ME: {sitting on couch mouthful of popcorn} Make him retake the class!
Heard there was a new crazy RFK Jr story and then looked it up and was like, “Oh. He just had an affair.”
That’s normal terrible rich guy shit. I thought I was gonna find out he tried to put a gorilla in a Han Solo carbonite machine or something.
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
[inventing wind]
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
Elsa: 🎶 the cold never bothered me anyway
People of Arendelle: sorry to interrupt b-but some of us have literal hypothermia and-
Elsa: [shrug] well I’m not bothered
Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.
It hurts? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
It doesn’t hurt? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
– Doctors
detective: what happened?
librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
detective: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken
someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend
STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!
I said STOP RUNNING!
STOP RUNN..
YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!
Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
[grocery store]
Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this
Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him
When I’m inevitably murdered, my loved ones won’t say I always lit up a room, but instead “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m honestly surprised this didn’t happen sooner”