my sentiments exactly
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I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.
I need real life DIY youtube videos. I want to see the guy start to explain then be like “oh shit I forgot this part” or “dammit I got the wrong thing!” And drive to Lowe’s 47 times. Don’t give me that 4 min video Dave. We all know it took you 13 hours.
The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
we’ve been teaching the 2 yr old about cutlery and setting the table for supper and, well,
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me:
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy…
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: *Removes mask to reveal she is actually Santa*
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOO
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot
Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies
Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows
HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.
ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.
I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’
[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
[Murder mystery dinner]
ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.
ME: (from the back of the room) When’s dinner?
At least I can say I tried. I didn’t try, but I can say I did.
Asserting dominance by showing up to my doctor’s appointment already in my gown from home
grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
Calling someone a “tough cookie” is not a compliment, tough cookies are literally the worst cookies
“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully