My Sentiments Exactly
You Might Also Like
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
Do you enjoy addiction, anxiety, and urinating? Then coffee may be the beverage for you.
The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.
Don’t ask me how evolution works!
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda
“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”
“There are four of us.”
“You heard me.”
You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
There should be a Mad Max movie that reveals the world outside Australia has actually remained pretty normal
Pro tip: Turn any sofa into a sofa bed by telling your girl to calm down.
5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves
Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
Corn Dogs: Uninserted
I’ve been locked out of Tinder because of “unusual activity”. I must’ve got a match.
ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!
ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!
3 just stopped what she was doing looked at the sky and said ‘something’s coming’ in case you thought you were going to sleep tonight
How do I know I’m awkward? One time someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “cheese”
These apps are getting out of control.
There I was, laying on a slab of rock in an ancient temple about to be sacrificed by a cult and they have the audacity to ask me to download their app and rate their sacrifice experience.
when you wanna say “sup” in Japanese you say “Konnichiwa”
when you wanna say “sup dawg” in Japanese you say “Konnichihuahua”
“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night
If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?
Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.
Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?
I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil
My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them
Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
Young man cashier: Ma’am, if you don’t mind me saying, you have really beautiful eyes.
What I heard: Ma’am