My Sentiments Exactly
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*God invents corgis*
God: what ingredients do we have left
Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet
God: lol check this out
I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.
(about to write the most famous lullaby of all time) im gonna go tell the baby he’s gonna fall out of a tree
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!
[seductively takes off mom jeans]
Me:[ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii—
Him: [checks watch, pays bills, watches baseball game, sends our kids off to college]
Me: —iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip]
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
[in a getaway car]
robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask
me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?
you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames
Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*
[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
giddy up Office Depot
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it
For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear
Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
Friend: How long will it take you to recover from surgery?
Me: That depends on how long my husband is willing to cook, clean, and do the laundry.
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
Can’t
I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am