my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.
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Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.
The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
Got my COVID test result back. 70, whatever that means. Luckily I also got my IQ test results and they were positive
Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
Overheard at the hardware store today …
Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.
Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?
Every sitcom: So you know how in your late twenties and early 30s, you have this close group of friends that just kind of hangs out at each other’s houses all the time?
Teenage me: definitely.
30s me: Wait, what
My kids would not be sitting on this couch laughing if they knew what me and their dad did on it last night. They are gonna cry when they find out we ate all the ice cream.
STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day
oh no, steve’s working tonight
My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.
All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.
My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.
Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
If he:
-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcassHe’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon
Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.
HITMAN: Who’s the target?
ME: [slides photo across table]
HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek?
ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it