my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.
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barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
There are 2 kinds of twitter.
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Informant: why?
Me: for spilling the beans
Informant: I didn’t-
Me: shut your fern gully
Informant: what
Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy
Informant: ok now you’re making these up
Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.
*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.
I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*
My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.
I am not shocked.
Me: What’s your name please?
Customer: Hal
Me: I never met a Hal What’s that short for?
Customer: Harold
Me: I’m gonna go ahead and write Hallelujah
Boss: Could you ever just don’t?
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then