Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*

Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.

Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.

Sub-Zero: You first.

Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.

What do you call a lazy crawfish? A slobster.

🤣 I’ve got a million of them.
🤕 Who threw that shoe?

Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.

*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*

– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.

If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.

Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas

PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news

CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor

dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people

My kids: *arguing* MOM WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE KID

Me: Connor

Kids: The boy next door?

Me: Yep

Kids: We meant out of us

Me: Still Connor

FIRST GUY TO RECEIVE A LETTER IN AN ENVELOPE: oh I get it she wrapped up a piece of paper in…. another piece of paper

Somebody asked me if I could go back in time if I would kill baby Hitler. Hold up. Hitler was a baby? This shit just keeps getting crazier

*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”

Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.

This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose

If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not

Netflix: are you still watching?

Me: *is asleep

Netflix: why are you like this

Wordle 241 1/6

🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩

Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!

“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”

*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas

If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.

Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?

Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!

How cool would it be if dogs could drive, get a job, pay the mortgage, grocery shop, & all you had to do was get excited when they got home?

I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.

WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.

WIFES FRIEND: Why?

[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]

ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.

Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars

Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.

If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit

Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail

best heckle of my life. I just did the setup to a joke and a drunk lady in the front shouts out “that’s too niche!”