Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.

There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen

Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.

Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.

Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.

{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?

ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.

Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.

My boss: you seem distracted today…

Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.

i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november

cashier: how’d you like to pay for this

me: not at all

If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge

Seems like I missed a spectacular display of the Northern Lights yet again because unfortunately in my location the view was totally obscured by a thick layer of nice warm bedroom.

if you want to gamble on sports you should have to go to a little room across town and talk to a stinky little man. there should be an aura of griminess about it. you should not be able to do gambling on your phone

Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?

You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.

Unpopular Opinion: the wooden ball inside an avocado is a seed

The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets

Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.

Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.

Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.

i can’t believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldn’t shove them up his nose

Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!

I woke up this morning with stir-fry all over my bed.

I was probably sleep-wokking again.

If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.

“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”

judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead

owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor

succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”

The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.

Ways to get ants out of your house:

1) Ant traps

2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow

3) Set house on fire

[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*