Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.
My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.
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Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
[Movie pitch in Hollywood]
A mythical creature who likes to dance moves to a small town where dancing’s illegal. We’ll call it BigfootLoose
Mistakes married women make:
1. Assuming he heard you.
2. Assuming he understood you.
3. Assuming he’ll remember.
4. Marrying a man.
you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
“The Jetsons and Flintstones existed at the same time. One in the sky, one on the ground, and both in a post-apocal-”
“Juror is dismissed”
Friend: what’s it like having kids?
Me: last week it took my toddler 40 minutes to put on her right sock.
Friend: that’s not so bad.
Me: [grabs his shirt and pulls him close] she’s still trying to put on the left one.
I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.