My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.
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Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.
Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted
Each second of this is more amazing than the last
The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls
Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.Sincerely,
Santa Claus.
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say?
2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!
Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.
i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable
Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
Me: Ooh… This is a Kodak moment!
Son: A what?
Me: I want to get a Polaroid.
Son: A what?
Me: You sound like a broken record!
Son: A WHAT?
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
I envy the women who can bite their bottom lip and look sexy. I do that and it’s a toss up between “does she need to go to the bathroom and is lost?” Or “is she getting that piece of corn out from her teeth?”
For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly
grampa: no controversial topics this Christmas—
me: it’s not controversial
grampa: don’t start
me: Santa is more powerful than the X-Men
grampa: Phoenix would DESTROY San—
me: SPEED, OMNISCIENCE, FLIGHT—
grampa: HE CAN’T FLY IF SHE WIPES REINDEER FROM EXISTENCE!