@Jay1972Jay

My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.

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@ericonederful

Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.

@Cpin42

Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?

[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]

Me: It was just time for a change.

@StinkyGr33n

[Movie pitch in Hollywood]

A mythical creature who likes to dance moves to a small town where dancing’s illegal. We’ll call it BigfootLoose

@Reverend_Scott

Mistakes married women make:

1. Assuming he heard you.

2. Assuming he understood you.

3. Assuming he’ll remember.

4. Marrying a man.

@Kauaibride

you are so beautiful without makeup.

-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.

@chrissyteigen

John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit

@Sickayduh

“The Jetsons and Flintstones existed at the same time. One in the sky, one on the ground, and both in a post-apocal-”

“Juror is dismissed”

@NewDadNotes

Friend: what’s it like having kids?

Me: last week it took my toddler 40 minutes to put on her right sock.

Friend: that’s not so bad.

Me: [grabs his shirt and pulls him close] she’s still trying to put on the left one.

@mommajessiec

I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.