Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…

I cannot stop laughing at this

“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?

accidentally got hired at a bakery today. came in for a cinnamon roll during rush hour and left 4 hours later with a dozen donuts and $60 cash. not really sure what happened in between those two events. i believe my life is a video game

Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies

The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.

[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]

me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉

Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style

How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.

*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*

My attending asked me if I had ADHD but I heard PhD… and i shouted out “no i have a bachelor of science” 😅

4th year is going well.

When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.

friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too

2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.

me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store

florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter

Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?

Me: what happens to our energy after we die?

Doctor: no, not like that

Me: do crabs think fish can fly?

Doctor: not like that either

Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?

Doctor: please stop

My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.

If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.

Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???

Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..

Hips: No…. It’s his…

Me: Shut up Hips!

Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?

is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?

I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.

i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??

Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??

I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.

There’s a man in America who claims he can rob supermarkets using telekinesis.

Food for thought, isn’t it?

NEW YEAR’S LOGIC

1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.

Her: do we have an LED lightbulb

Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep

There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.