Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.

Me as a news anchor:

an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties

I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair

Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.

i was baptized in a car wash

Hotel California reviews

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Such a lovely place”

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Plenty of room. Excellent check out”

⭐☆☆☆☆
“Can’t leave”

Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too

Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.

[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
me: hey

Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.

We’re getting a mini moon for two months, and it’s just called “2024 PT5”. That’s a terrible name. I’m going to call it Gary.

I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!

I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.

I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.

Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.

Can’t wait to see my CW’s face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.

Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.

Told my 18yo we’re out of mac’n’cheese, so he’d have to do something else for lunch for once. He says, “I’ll just break into my personal stash.” Goes into his room, rummages around, comes out with two boxes of Annie’s mac’n’cheese.

?????

Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?

Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.

Me: I’m flying United today.

Him: Don’t forget your helmet.

Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.

Or having an Asian baby.

i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime

I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.

Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.

“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*

I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes

“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.

I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never

Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed

Audience:

Jim Carrey: all righty then

[zombie apocalypse]

Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I’m not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up

Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE

The new MAX app friggin ROCKS! My favorite thing is when I go to watch an episode of TV I’ve previously viewed and it brings me straight to the end credits then immediately autoplays to the next episode’s end credits as well. Smart! Everyone knows the credits are the best part ☺️