Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.

uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied

The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.

her: there’s a huge spider in the kitchen
me: I’ll take care of it

[2 minutes later]
her: is it done?
me: yah, house goes up for sale tomorrow

It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.

Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.

I’d like to thank the people who buy the gift bags. Because of you, I have never had to buy a gift bag. Thank you, from the bottom of my large gift bag filled with smaller gift bags.

wolf: little pig, let me in

pig: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin

wolf: ok you took this to kind of a weird place

Shut up brain I wasn’t even talking to me.

Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears

Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??

“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog

Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog

God please let it be a hotdog

Me: Ok I’m trusting you guys to stay home alone.
Kid 1: Ok.
Me: What are you doing.
Kid 1: Microwaving foil.
Me: What?! No. No metal in the microwave.
Kid 2: Are Hot Wheels cars metal?
Me: Um. Yeah but why-
Kid 1: OH just wrap the Hot Wheel cars in foil.
Me: I’m gonna stay home.

Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres

My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.

Everyone is always doing laundry

*changes name to laundry

I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses

Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters

and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness

A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.

I just like to keep my options open

-me, setting six alarms on my phone

BAE: wats for lunch
ME: i feel like a sandwich
BAE: u dont LOOK like a sandwich
ME: [secretly been trying to dress sandwichly for weeks] oh.

I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.

with both parents in the hospital the second most asked question i get after “how are they” is “how is your husband doing with the kids when you’re gone all the time?”

im going to start telling people he was unable to handle them so he sold them to the circus

[Shouts to passing jogger]

“Is there cake?”

My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”

Nobody has ever partied as hard as skeletons in a cemetery in a 1930s cartoon. Using their heads as bongos. Doing cartwheels.. Letting one skelly use a broom to sweep them up into a big bone pile. The Euphoria kids could never

If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!

Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.