My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.
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Me: I had to take your hamster back to the shop
Son: Why
[nervous because I accidentally ran him over with a lawnmower]
Me: He’s a racist
If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.
Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.
[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.
My wife and I eloped, but a month later we had a small party to celebrate with family and friends. Somewhere on the invitation we wrote, “bring an appetite,” which my wife’s Uncle Jerry misread as “bring an appetizer.” He showed up at the venue with a crockpot of enchiladas.
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
Guy: [pulls out knife]
Me: But I’m allergic to stainless steel
Guy: [stabs me]
Me: Noooo I’ll get a rash
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
Me: I want you inside of me.
Him: Wow.
Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?
Him: Why are you like this?
You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.
Look, a pure bread cat!
Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!
These are my emotional support Pringles.
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
Things that don’t exist:
1. Unicorn
2. Ghosts
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.
Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3
I played Dodgeball…
I got Bullied….
I ate Gluten…
I didn’t get Participation Trophies…
I turned out fine…
So will your kid…
Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?
“You can’t just erase people out of your life”
Me:
Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system