Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t care what nutritionists tell you- tortilla chips ARE a meal. It has everything your body needs:

1.) Tortilla chips

I don’t argue with my kids anymore. I just vacuum every surface of the living room while they’re trying to watch TV.

[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first

Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscape

Be like Mario.

me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us

Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds

Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds

Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.

Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.

Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.

[on road trip]

Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.

[45 min later]

Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*

Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.

THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging

ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me

Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …

I’d heard there was a secret chord
To charge my phone, and I need it, Lord
But you don’t know where it’s hiding right now, do you?
I feel forsaken –
The fourth, the fifth chords in the house are taken,
The baffled dad complaining…Hallelujah
Hell yeah, I found it, Hallelujah

On this edition of House Hunters: He rides the back of trash truck, she’s a nail tech. Their budget is $15M.
Let’s see what they can do!

friend:
There’s this thing that starts around 6PM and

me:
I’m already out.

Me: Table for 1.

Host: Just 1?

Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?

Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs

don’t never drink and drive. drive high.

Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”

Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!

Booking Police Officer: …

Son: Dad is it true you named us after things you saw in the yard?

Dad: Yes we did, Hawk.

Rose: Nice.

Grill: You could have looked around a bit.

Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right

Waitress: Breakfast is over

Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.

Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.

Me: Okay, eggs then.

Waitress: Bacon or sausage?

Me: …Bacon.

Waitress: Do you want toast?

Me: ….

Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is

me: (11 pm) 😴

me: (1 am) 😴

me: (3 am) 😴

me: (5 am) 😴

me: (7 am) 😳DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!

“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.

My good friend has been fired because he slept with one of his patients. After 7 years of medical school, what a waste of time, effort, training & money. This just goes to show one mistake can ruin your life. It’s sad for him.
He is a great guy & was a brilliant veterinarian.

Apparently this weekend there will be constant rane, hale, gails, drissle, thundre, litnin, hy tydes, tawnaydoes and frizzing colde.

Really bad spell of wether.

You never forget your first kiss. Or your first meeting with HR.