My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.
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[sheriff’s office]
me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition
deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records
me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?
We were never supposed to have this much access to stupid people’s thoughts, beliefs, and opinions.
My 5-year-old talks to me about our solar system like I have no idea it exists, “do you know about the sun? It’s a star.” Yeah I know. I was the one that told you about it.
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
lawyer: juror number 4 why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency
Darth Vader wanted to kill Solo but didn’t have the necessary Han die coordination.
#StarWarsDay
There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
I am so glad everything is broken at work today so I could make this
[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”
My 8yo told me she wants me to live forever which was sweet until I told her I’d run out of money and she replied “ok nevermind”.
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
All these gifts today better get me laid.
Wife (in a narrator’s voice): …but, then she overheard him talking…and he never did get laid.
A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.
Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?
[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
[Valentine’s Day]
Me: I got you a bunch of flowers
GF: Thanks
Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too
Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?
Executioner: Ugh the WORST
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
Me: Cute baby, when was she born?
New mother: Yesterday.
Me: *opens coat filled with knock-off watches* Hey kid, I got Rolexes, 50 bucks.