Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise

[News anchor]

“Are things really that bad?”

If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.

But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?

happy friday

Magician: Is this your card?

Me: Yes

Magician: And this?

Me: Yup

Magician: How about this one?

Me: Please just put the gun down, you can take the whole wallet

Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks

I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.

Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.

There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle

”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar

Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me

Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.

ME: They call me Mr Universe

DATE: You workout?

ME: I’m constantly expanding

I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.

One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes

Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help

Me: I went to the park today

Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that

Me *opens coat* this duck

If someone asks us why we didn’t have kids I ask them how many people they’ve had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it’s peak I’ll ask if I’m playing the none of your business game correctly.

please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.

Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.

Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.

Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?

guess who just got fired. the big man at merriam webster didnt like me sneaking in my own ideas for words. not very pompsh of them. not very pompsh at hocklorp

I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.

I can’t wait.

First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.

If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.

[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing

[later, at my place]

Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom

There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group

cave of wonders: only one may enter here

aladdin: abu has to wait outside?

cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count

abu: *steals*

cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT

Daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!”

“Uhh, yeah, it’s because the bottom half is missing.”

Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”

Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.