Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.

Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.

Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked

My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.

I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.

me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates

me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower

All these gifts today better get me laid.

Wife (in a narrator’s voice): …but, then she overheard him talking…and he never did get laid.

Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.

COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?

ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.

[hell]

Satan: this is our library

Me: cool i love reading

Satan: we only have the twilight series

I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.

Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?

RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.

Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub

ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU

ASK IF YOUR COUNTRY IS THE REASON YOU CAN’T LOOK AT YOUR NEWSFEED WITHOUT SCREAMING IN TONGUES

After a certain age your body is like a car boot sale….
Some stuff looks old, some stuff doesn’t work, and some stuff you can’t even identify.

Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.

Son: am I adopted?

Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.

My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”

recipe: 1/4 cup fresh cilantro

cilantro at the store: here’s a bouquet. i’ll be rotten tomorrow

So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.

Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.

I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.

Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.

I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.

Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one

Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?

Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.

Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.

*cooking dinner*

Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.

Friend: your parents must have had you young

Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger