My seven year old reported to me today that the tooth fairy wasn’t paying him a fair wage compared to his peers and claimed that all his friends earn a liveable wage from tooth loss
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No I’m not feeling old when the first member of my son’s varsity football team from hs is getting married tonight.
Not feeling old AT ALL!
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
It is a shame that nothing is built in America anymore. I just bought a TV that said: “Built in Antenna”.
I don’t even know where that is.
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them
Step 2:Become a lawyer
Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love
Step 4:Become rich
Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You
People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!
[mission]
CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?
ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work
CMDR: What? Let me see
ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink
I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?
Me: Butternut Squash
I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
5: Mom, look at me!
Me: I’m in the shower
5: Look at me!
Me: I can’t!
5: Because you’re in the shower?
Me: Yes!
5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!
My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.
There are a lot of reasons i will never shoot anyone, but somewhere on the list is “people reading everything I ever wrote on the internet”
[boss’s office]
I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?
“No, sir”
I like your style, Murray.
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
My kid just said his dinner tasted like cat litter.
Not sure if I should be offended or wonder how he knows what cat litter tastes like.
Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.
A woman at my gym tonight told me my kids look just like me because they inherited my “small face.” Can somebody help me out, because I just really need to know if I should be offended.
Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?