My sex drive has a dui
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[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there
I see a badly-tied bin liner.
My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.
LAUGHING.
When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.
I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.
*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep
[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
Colleague: any children?
Me: we’ve got 2 amazing kids
Wife: We’ve got 3 kids
Me: I stand by what I said
Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?
Dave: Death!
Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.
Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.
CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
The spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp is adorable, but it would never work with humans. Nobody wants to see two dogs sharing a plate of humans.
Chaining myself to the bed tonight, not because I’m a werewolf, but because there are bags of unattended Halloween candy all over the house.
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
Buying a well is money well spent.
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.
Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?
Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao
Accountant: what
Willy Wonka: what
A mom just told her kids the park is closing so they would leave without throwing fits.
Another mom overheard and said, “Uh-oh, the park is closing! Gotta go!
So I said, “Everyone’s leaving! Let’s follow them out!”
We all winked at each other and got in our cars.
Teamwork.
*spins in circles*
*dies*
*gets stuck in corner*
*dies*
*spins in circle*
*dies*
[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]
Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.