My sex drive has a dui
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My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
I picked my nephew up from daycare today, Mind you, he’s biracial but looks like a white kid. They asked him if he knew who I was and why did this man look me dead in my face and say he didn’t know me…
Had them people ready to call the cops on me.
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.
If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
“What are your dogs’ names?”
Me: “Calvin and Klein.”
“Isn’t that a brand of underwear?”
Me: “Exactly, they’re boxers.”
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
Me: I want to be a part of the Avengers.
Nick Fury: What special powers do you have?
Me: *buys popcorn and doesn’t start eating them until the movie starts*
Nick Fury: Holy shit!
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.
Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.
Me: I didn’t
[bounce]
Me: buy the kids
[bounce]
Me: a trampoline.
[bounce].
When someone says, “I can’t believe how cool the mornings are getting,” I picture the morning with greased-back hair and a leather jacket.
George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.
Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
With just a few days until Christmas Amazon trucks should be treated like emergency vehicles. If you see them coming with their sirens on you best pull over and let them pass. People are getting worried about their packages, ya’ll.
Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.