My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs
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[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.
so my mum bought a lamb for £20 so it doesn’t get killed tomorrow and is planning to keep her in the garden with the dogs???? Honestly wish I could say I’m surprised but it’s very her
5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?
Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.
Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they’ll probably go bad.
(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like
look, a three-day weekend once a month is all i ask. the rest can be four-day weekends
I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.
any last words?
“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.
Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.
I told my 3 year-old that sometimes, sharing with his brother is the nice thing to do.
He replied with, “Are you sure about that?” Followed by a maniacal stare.
There is a reason creepy children are used as a theme in horror movies, people.
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
the battle rages on
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search
[post-apocalypse open mic]
Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??
Crowd: *rickets*
Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.
If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
{meeting a beautiful woman who is actually into me} This looks like a job for The Fumbler
I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!
Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.