My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
You Might Also Like
Just met my Gen Z neighbors Jaiyszon and Kjimberrlley and their newborn daughter Paiyszleiyeigh.
Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?
My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”
[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”
Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
My laptop: *cannot find printer*
Me: *gesturing* look it’s right there
Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now
Remembering the time a guy asked me out but he was really cute so I panicked and replied “I can’t, I forgot to buy cheese”
Generation gap…
[laying on the office couch]
Therapist: “Tell me about your childhood.”
Me: “Ok, but when does the foot massage begin?”
Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.
My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.
I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”
me: wanna hang out?
southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah
me:
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up
[torturing terrorist]
[plays EDM]
[beat rises]
[beat keeps rising]
[beat rises endlessly]
Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING
No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus
I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back
I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.