My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
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The way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach. At least that’s what the crazy woman with the butcher knife kept saying at the murder scene.
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
Hit me in the face with a bird
“Scalpel.”
“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”
“If Affleck can be Batman…”
“Fair enough. Scalpel.”
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you
My car broke down between the marina and the Hallmark store.
Now, I’m stuck between a dock and a card place.
HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
Me as a kid: I’m going out in the woods. I’ll be back in 8 hours
My parents: Cool
My kid now: I’m going to a public park with my friend. I’ll be back in an hour, and will have my phone with me
Me: I don’t know – that sounds dangerous.
After someone threw milkshake at a politician today, people are saying it could have been a bomb, which is crazy because why would you throw milkshake at a bomb?
*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
dracula: *bites neck*
me: oh, I should probably warn you-
dracula: *dies*
me: i am 50% garlic bread
[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too
Wife: WHERE IS THE PACK OF HERSHEY BARS I WAS GOING TO USE FOR S’MORES
Me [mouth full, face covered in chocolate]: we wer gunna haf smors?!
A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?
[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me
“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.