My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
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The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.
Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.
Everybody mad at me like it’s common knowledge to wait til after the eulogy before you start clapping. Sorry I didn’t go to funeral college.
[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.
Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.
(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?
Cop: I kinda think I have to now.
[Me watching football on TV]
Oh man this reminds me of high school
Her: you played football in high school?
Me: no, I watched TV
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
Someone’s hair in my food: bad, disgusting, indicative of chaos behind the scenes
My own hair in my food: hey it happens, welcome home my son, spend as much time in my mouth as you need
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.
[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
“I want to emphasize this paragraph in my email, but putting it in italics doesn’t seem like enough so I’ll also underline it and put it in boldface, a different font and a different color.” -psychopaths
The First 48 is on from now until 4am. If anyone needs me I’ll be on my couch solving homicides and eating schnacks.
(Don’t need me)
Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up
Me: oh honey…you have no idea
My wife suggested we go to the pub separately & relive our 1st date.
So she walked over to me and said “can I buy you a drink?”
I replied “sorry I’m married.”
5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?*racks the chamber*
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name