My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
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[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.
What’s so funny?
My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]
I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”
Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?
Me- Never, just ask my husband.
it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
Strangers have the best candy.
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
Our vision of Hell doesn’t come from the Bible; it’s a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.
WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?
How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩
[at the bank]
Him: Here is some literature on how to invest in your child’s future
*watching my son getting ready to put my car key into an electrical socket*
No thanks.
I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.
I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
God: you’re a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: you’re the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow you’re in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )
[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist
My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for