My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
You Might Also Like
(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane)
5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN’T STRONG & HE’LL DIE SOON RIGHT
[torturing terrorist]
[plays EDM]
[beat rises]
[beat keeps rising]
[beat rises endlessly]
Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING
I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!
A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.
When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
8yo: I want to paint my pumpkin this year!
Me: Cool, what color?
8yo: Orange!
Me:
8yo:
Me: *pours drink* Let’s do it
Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.
Nepobaby? Why, yes, I am, my father was Prom and Homecoming King in a town of 300, I can still get a discount at the local Ace Hardware if Steve is working.
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked
*cough*
Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
-Octopus preparing for a fight
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
“Who’s the new guy?”
“We’ll explain later.”
“But-“
“Just look at the camera, Steve.”
Here you go, Merry Christmas!
“Dad, why’d you wrap our gifts in soft fabric?”
Because I wanted to make-
Mom: NO DON’T
My presents felt
Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.
Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.
You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.