My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…
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“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne
Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand
Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away
ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
my gf opening a package: i need something sharp
me: okay 🙂
her: if u hand me cheddar again i will leave u
me: okay 🙁
Farmer: Netflix and till
Moonshiner: Netflix and still
Estate planner: Netflix and will
Dentist: Netflix and drill
Attorney: Netflix and bill
Mountaineer: Netflix and hill
Doctor: Netflix and ill
Pharmacist: Netflix and pill
Jack: Netflix and Jill
Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.
Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.
It’s a great way to meet chicks.
A skeleton in a black cloak appeared. “No!” Mary screamed. “Not yet! I’m still young!” She jumped in her coupe and, tires squealing, sped off down the road.
A soapy sponge dropped from the skeleton’s hand. The Grime Reaper sighed. “Nobody ever lets me wash their car.”
Speak now or ever hold your peace
Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead
Me trying to reach for my goals
Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.
I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.
Every time my phone rings
Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?
Woman on the tube: How old is your baby?
Mum: She’s two and a half weeks.
Woman: Wow. What’s her name?
Mum: Still deciding.
Little Girl nearby: My name’s Martha (pause) So you can have that for free.
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.
When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)
A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
Not sure what’s more creepy, sifting through the trash dressed like a clown at 3am…or my neighbor peeking out his window watching me.
So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.