Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.

~Me flirting

I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.

“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”

~Shampoo developers probably

Yes, of course I love French films.

Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?

My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.

Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner

Boss [handing me a memo that says N O T I C E at the top]: Have you seen this yet?
Me: Yep.
Boss: What do you think?
Me [giving the memo another feel]: Haha it definitely isn’t.

My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.

the tiny monsters are on their way. and my job. is to hold this bucket of snacks for them. i was told they can only take one. but that’s not my rule to enforce

Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…

Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all

Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?

Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?

My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before

For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar

I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!

Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.

So I’m basically a puffer fish now.

Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.

I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe

[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work

Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?

3-year-old: Babies are jerks.

Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me

Judge: way past that

Has anyone checked Kate Middleton’s attic for a half-played game of Jumanji? I just don’t think we can rule anything out at this stage.

I started to call my friend “bro” but decided mid-word to switch to “dude” so it came out as “boo” and there’s just no recovering from that

Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.

Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.

I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)

If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too

Much like an Olympic sprinter, I also load up on carbs, exert myself for roughly two minutes, and then quit for the rest of the day.