My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…
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Active voice: “I love your article”
Passive voice: “Your article is loved”
Passive-aggressive voice: “I love the potential this article had”
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
You know you’re a bad cook when the dog won’t lick the plate.
[traffic stop]
COP: where ya headed?
ME: on my way home
COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*
ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you
Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.
*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
One of my sons wants to become a historian and the other wants to become an artist so I guess I want to become a lottery winner
I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly
If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me
Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”
[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]
snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this
Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”
Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?
Me: we met at a nickelback conc-
Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder
North and South
*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*