My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…
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Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
wife: YOU changed the sheets?!
[flashback to me eating nachos in bed after she told me not to and getting cheese everywhere]
me: Surprise!
What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.
Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
[me, stacking babies on top of each other]
Him: Wha…What are you doin there?
Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.
do not take me to an escape room. i was a c-section. someone is gonna have to come get me
washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out
I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
Remember to think of others this holiday season!
God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*
God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.
Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought ‘wow that’s not safe’ & at second glance thought ‘wow that guy’s on fire’
KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.
CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
people who own banana costumes will wear that shit to anything. its labor day and theyre like waittt u know what would be perfect rn
*gets stabbed at one of my fishing spots*
911 operator: i need your exact location
Me: nevermind
Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
Why aren’t auto body shops called…
“Fender Bender Menders??.”
And they should be paid in Fender Bender Mender Tender.
And when you pay that, you’re a Fender Bender Mender Tender Spender
I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.
It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
The second world war should have been called world war returns
Sometimes when I see a baby wriggling in a highchair, I like to pretend I’m a Bond villain.
“You’ll find escape is quite impossible, Mr. Baby.”
My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are
ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope