My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…
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Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen
[First date]
Him: Can you pass the-
SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:
cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws
kitchen magnet
I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things
Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.
My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
if you’ve successfully completed 7 different impossible missions, perhaps the guy in charge of labeling these missions is being a little dramatic
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
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My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.
*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?Husband: GET UP!
M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!
I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes
6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes
6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes
6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes
6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?
“Shit… Was it the treason?”
Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase