My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
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[bakery]
Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!
Me: Definitely not happy tears
Him: What?
Me: What?
ME: [holding up boombox outside your bedroom window] DO YOU HAVE FOUR D BATTERIES THAT I COULD BORROW
you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.
Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.
When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.
Guy 1: guess I shouldn’t get in the water
Guy 2: why
Guy 2: well it’s shark week
Guy 1: that’s…that’s not what shark week is
Helpful tip: Don’t write out your grocery list while watching a true crime documentary on a husband-murdering wife, or your husband might think you’re taking notes when he walks into the room.
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
Pineapple farms looks like someone said they were a pineapple farmer and got caught in the lie so just started chucking pineapples on the grass
if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute
dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up
Me: I’ll have a small drink.
Fast food worker: We don’t have a small. We only have large and medium.
Me: *grabs him by collar* THE SMALLEST SIZE CANNOT BE MEDIUM! THAT LITERALLY MEANS MIDDLE!
The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body.
Resist all the cheese, I can’t.
Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?
Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob
My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.
“What do you mean a baguette isn’t a female bag?”
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
At camp today, there were animals for show and tell. When I picked-up, the counselors announced in front of my kids that they did so well holding them that we should get some and I just want to know what I did to make the counselors hate me
My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.
Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend
Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.