My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
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This is my emotional support online shopping cart
A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.
how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
Please don’t buy my book on reverse psychology.
I used to give my co-workers nicknames based on their most dominant features, like ‘Loves Abortions Brenda’ or ‘Eats Her Feelings Julie’.
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” yeah because I won’t be leaving my bed
Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?
a fairly underrated BARBIE joke is when someone calls her a fascist, and when she’s crying about it she says, “I don’t control the railways!”
movies are BACK
The ritual complete, the blood god stands before the cultist.
“I have summoned you forth to destroy my enemies”
BLOOD GOD: …
“what?”
BLOOD GOD: It just feels like every time you bring me out of the forbidden realm it’s cause you want something, and you never just want to see me
One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them
For some people, the turkey’s the most important part of the holidays. For others? It’s the pumpkin pie. But me? I’ve always cared more about the people that I spend the holidays with- which is why I’ve gathered you all here today to help me summon grandpa from the great beyond.
[abducted aboard a UFO]
Alien: Take us to your leader
Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?
A: We’ll return you, unharmed
M: Not… not even a probe?
A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans
M: *pouting* Even if I say please?
Him: what does a polar bear weigh?
Me: I don’t know
Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.
Me: so’s mine.
“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
Me, dating.
Him: Hi Wendy. I’m really excited to find out all about you.
Me: Why? Who have you been talking to?
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.