My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
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Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual
[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer presentCop: You ARE the lawyer
Me: So where’s my present?!
I’m writing Spider Ma’am, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn’t freaking need this.
Just got my first HOA slap on the wrist and now I want to take pictures of everything my neighbors are doing wrong. This is how wars start.
I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”
???????????????????????
Who does Amazon think I am?
I made a risotto 4 years ago and the kids refused to touch it. In a rare moment of genius I said its not a risotto it’s “cheesy rice stew” which they liked the sound of and devoured it. Still make it to this day and I can’t wait until the day they figure out they’ve been duped.
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.
Don’t ask me how I know this.
no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.
If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.
Me: What happened to all the bourbon?
Her: Oh, I put it in the chicken.
Me: Then pour me a glass of chicken.
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
There should be a day between Sunday and Monday called Hang on a Second.
The child: (hearing someone get mad) you say that word sometimes, Mommy.
Me: What word?
The child: Funking.
Me: No, honey, I don’t ever say funking.
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
this… may be the greatest story ever told
customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing
me: oh *declines it* thank you
Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil
I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”