My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.
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Teslas don’t have “New Car” smell…
They have an Elon Musk.
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
SON: YA-
DAD: You’re not a dog.
🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
Oh yeh? Explain this then
son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult
*Viewing apartments
Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…
Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts
Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.
The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?her: probably “ethereal,” it means-
me: mine is “shuttlecock.”
I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.
Expectant Parent: What’s it like being a parent?
Me: Have you ever wrestled an alligator covered in vaseline?
Expectant Parent:
Me: Don’t worry, you’ll learn.
JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all
GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this
CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.
Excel is weird because you never know you aren’t that good at it, until you are asked to do something you’ve never heard of
Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox
Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.
GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby
ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.