My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
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Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.
Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
Hey! This is your home!
It’s kinda messy… but you’ll get use to that!-my 6yo, welcoming his new baby sister 😂😂💀
[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
me refusing to leave twitter
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.
My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”
I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.
Family: You never call anymore.
Me: I’m calling now?
Fam: Now’s not a good time.
Me: When should I call?
Fam: Anytime.
[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks
them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise
[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*
I feel sorry for all those girls bragging that they don’t have a gag reflex. They’ll probably die choking on an Olive Garden bread stick.
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.
Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct
