My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
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MOVIE EXEC: So your idea for a superhero is a guy called ‘Candleman’ and his catchphrase is ‘There’s no rest for the wick head’?
ME: Yep!
HIM: Get out
There’s no bigger backstabber than my dog giving me away during hide and seek.
I TRUSTED YOU, FENTON, I TRUSTED YOU!
Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please
Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them
In my meager defense, I was in no way aware the gingerbread houses were entries in a contest.
The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?
I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
cop: is this your chocolate factory?
wonka: why do you ask
cop: we have reports of maimed children and slave labor
wonka: that 8 year old owns it now
My nearest bus stop is near a local dealers house. I’ll stare at whoever is at the door until they look in my direction and I’ll quickly look away and touch my ear like I’m an undercover cop on a stake out. In the 2 years I’ve been doing this I’ve made 3 people walk away quickly
In 2020, five African grey parrots at a wildlife park in Lincolnshire had to be separated after they were found to be encouraging one another to swear. The park’s CEO commented, “We are quite used to parrots swearing… but for some reason these five relish it.”
My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it
I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.
I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.
What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.
yea so i messed up lol
Years ago I went to a job placement agency.
I left disappointed.
Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
gender is a sprctrum
How about I get 100% off by already being there
