@Izianikapani

My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.

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@OctopusCaveman

Genie: You get 3 wishes

Me: I wish you were terrible at math

Genie: You only have 14 more wishes

@LizHackett

It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.

@XplodingUnicorn

4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door?

Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific?

4: No reason.

@donni

Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows

@zachreinert03

I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off

@runawaycupcake

“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.

@TheTweetOfGod

Paris is suing Fox News for repeatedly insulting it. Also suing them for the same reason: your intelligence.

@jordan_stratton

Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.

@skickwriter

Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.

@captainolya

the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes