@Izianikapani

My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.

My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.

- @Izianikapani

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@Mostly_Cheese

[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.

@Dawn_M_

If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.

@walruswhisperer

ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok:

@RidiculousSheri

“Knock knock”

“Who’s there?”

“Pizza”

“My new boyfriend who?

“No. Pizza”

“My future husband who?”

“No.”

“Playing hard to get who?”

@Mr_Kapowski

Me: *falls off a ladder*

Wife: OH MY GOD! ARE YOU INJURED?

Me: *obviously concussed but also bleeding* I’m injured and outjured

@YoungNobler

Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016

@patnelke

My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.

@karanbirtinna

Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.

@ClichedOut

me: will i go to jail in the future

psychic: no

me: gimme your wallet and empty the register

@DeanB15

Lindsay Lohan said she’s voting for Mitt b/c “employment is really important right now”
Like it’s Obama’s fault no one wants to hire her.