Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes
My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
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It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door?
Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific?
4: No reason.
Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.
Paris is suing Fox News for repeatedly insulting it. Also suing them for the same reason: your intelligence.
Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.
Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes