Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Interviewer: “so what would you bring to our firm that others may not offer?”
Me: *seductively slides a kazoo across the desk

Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.

BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width

[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?

hamster: no

I post 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 on Facebook everyday.
I don’t play Wordle, but it drives my family nuts.

Eating cauliflower crackers: these don’t even taste like cauliflower

10 minutes later after belching: Ope there it is

We found love in a hopeless place.

Where do I see myself in five years? *kicks feet up on desk* Sir, does my resumé list “psychics abilities” under skills? No. Next question.

Son: Can we go to the beach?

Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.

I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.

writing an email takes 5 hours. 4 hours and 55 minutes to avoid and stress and obsess about it and 5 minutes to write it

5:32 pm “I don’t need a cart. I’m just picking up a few things.”

5:38 pm: Struggling to the self checkout with a watermelon, a 12-pack & a turkey balanced on a four-foot stack of Cap’n Crunch & Cheez Its.

WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense

When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?

X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.

When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you

[emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No

My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.

Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok

Just put on my brand new shirt.

Now to take a big sip of coffee and check to see why Dave Grohl is trending on Twitter…

The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.

Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.

There must’ve been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.

My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.

Them: We should go for a walk in the park

Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?

Them:

Me: Oh right, exercise

When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.

Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.

i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.

*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?