Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now

Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.

Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.

I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth

I see dead people.

Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.

(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein

my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming

Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”

Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Wow, the feeling! A sudden rush of happiness!

Friend: *Nodding* endorphins

Me: No, just whales

My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.

Bought coffee flavoured ice cream hoping the kids would hate it and I could have it all but NOPE! Joke’s on me!

Curse you,
gloriously divine Häagen-Dazs in literally any flavour.

my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?

st. peter: that’s right

me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say

I called my wife to see if she wanted me to pick up Fish & Chips on my way home from work, and she hung up on me. I think she’s still mad that she let me name the twins.

receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days

[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out

He probably could have just called himself “Andre.” I think I would have figured out The Giant part on my own.

Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..

Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well

Just got a call from the vet to schedule my dog for her shots. I asked for an estimate and they transferred me over to their lending department.

Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority

Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers

Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.

who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?

just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun

Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.

*Looking to buy a house*

ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.

REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo…

ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?

Interviewer: Can you explain this 5-year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I didn’t have a job. Do you not know how resumes work?

I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.

me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket

eating my hot dog hamburger style