My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy
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Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”
All is not a trick question. Apparently
One of the things that always makes me laugh about this place is how any time I say “I’m trying to use self-control” people always respond back with “No! Do it! Do iiiiiitttt!” *laughing hard*
Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people
My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic
Me:
My grandfather: The Grampacalypse
Me:
My grandfather: Grandmageddon
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?
Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable
“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]
[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!
1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.
My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
[stranded on a desert island]
*plane flies over head and drops a letter*
Me: omg I’m going to be rescued!
*opens letter*
we’re just reaching out to you about your car’s extended warrantyMe: Sonofa-
what it’s like dating me: