My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
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Isn’t is weird how we have one million dog breeds and everyone is like “goldendoodle” this or “chihuahua mix” that and if you ask someone what type of cat they have it’s just like “an orange one”
Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *
Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.
me: I’d wait a lifetime for you
also me: 5 seconds till I can skip the add ? that’s some bullshit right there
I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.
I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.
If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.
My kid wants to earn money to go on a pricey school trip next year and asked if the tooth fairy gives money for other body parts.
I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.
12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.
Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich
*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
[talking to life insurance agent]
Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.
sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die
me: 27
sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…
me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?
Me: *wearing a short-sleeved button down with mixed flowers and skulls*
Super old lady at the pharmacy: “You know it’s a SIN to make me covet my neighbor’s blouse!”
I have issued a new executive order prohibiting library patrons from telling me how tired I look
[adoption agency]
Caseworker: Think you’re prepared to be a father?
*I perfectly execute the detachable thumb trick*
CW (taking notes): Excellent.
I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
be myself? the person who got me into this mess????
LADIES, imagine this.
It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.
*Hour 3 in the trampoline park*
My oldest has said “watch this” 212 times
My youngest is running wild in a pack of feral six-year-olds
A woman screams in the distance “Jaden, Jaxon”
There is still no bar
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
That’s incredible! 👌
Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.