My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
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Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.
Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…
Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…
Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
*jurassic park meeting
CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.
Suit: We could build another park…
*long silence
CEO: Genius.
My kid invented a game but told me it was too complicated and I wouldn’t understand. Reader, he is throwing a stuffed animal repeatedly in the air and catching it
“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”
-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway
I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
I’m sorry…what?
It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.
LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”
This made me smile…
Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?
AI: 17.
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
The Job Interview:
HR: So you are bilingual?
Me: Si
HR: In your native tongue please.
Me: Ooga Booga
Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad
“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
“eight”
And a medium?
“eight”
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager
My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.