My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
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Cashier: That will be $82.07.
Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.
Cashier: That will be $82.03.
Everyone else wants to talk about sex, and I just want to talk about cholera.
date: do you like a little danger?
me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me
Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails
Watched The Tinder Swindler a few weeks back, now watching Bad Vegan. The most puzzling thing is why do these women just give these men their money? Is this a thing you do if you have money? I would never give a man money. If the cashier at the store is a man I simply do not pay.
Lol.
I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Me:
Her: You only think about yourself.
Me:
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!
I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.
😳
Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.
I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
Finally, a door that understands me
*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win
Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs
(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”
Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?
my dream DUI is driving a Saab through the Great British Bake Off tent
[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME
Runner: What’s your fastest race?
Me: Taking the trash out at night
Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down
“eat what’s in season” the health people said
Me:
I asked my doctor about prescribing me sleep medication and he asked if I had tried “giving yourself permission to sleep” instead and now I’m so mad I don’t think I’ll ever sleep again
*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok
Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her