My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
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I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
If this whole existence thing is just a dream, I’d rate it a Rotten Tomatoes 47%: the scenes are haphazardly thrown together, the story drags, the villains are boring and stupid and there’s not enough nudity
hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)
Not my job 😂
Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
Doc thinks my mysterious headaches may lessen if I eat ice cream more slowly.
It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?
every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun
Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.
My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?
Nope.
Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.
Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.
Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?
Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
*leaves social media, covers webcam with tape, installs encryption software, resets passwords, dons tinfoil hat*
Try and spy on me now!
*ad for Reynolds Wrap pops up in my browser*
SON OF A
Dr: You have palpitations
Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?
Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]
Me trying to ask someone for a favor: Hey could you help me with this thing? Absolutely no pressure though. Totally ok if you can’t. If you’d rather run me over with a car that’s cool. Are you mad at me?
[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”
if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong