My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
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stages of moving house
1. omg i have so much stuff i’m so stressed
2. wait i don’t have that much left i’ll be fine
3. omg i have way more stuff than i thought
4. fuck. the kitchen
[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie
“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE
It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.
To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall
if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”
Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH
friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection
[later]
guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?
me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way
If Mona Lisa was on Instagram
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with “Dearly Beloved”.
mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
The theme park we’re going to in the morning has free unlimited soft drinks. So if my calculations are correct, the kids will have diabetes by 1 pm.
Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”
My doctor says I only have one diabete.
Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.
[JAN 1]
*tears off Dec 2016 calendar page*
[JANUARY 2016, Part 2]
What?
*flips*
[YOU DIDN’T THINK]
*flips*
[2016 WOULD END, DID YOU?!]
NOO!!
(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
[before sex]
ME: Did you notice I waxed?
WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows
I’m an over-explainer (I explain things too much)