My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
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ex gf moved out and took all the herbs and spices. i will never financially recover from this
when i was in school i was doing my french speaking exam and i started crying cause i literally couldn’t do it and my french teacher said ‘it’s okay you’re not the worst, the girl before you answered the questions in english with a french accent’ and i could not breathe omg
Remembering when I was 5 and in the tub, my mom had to answer the phone, so I leapt out the tub, ran down the street naked to a park and punched a kid who threw a rock at me the day before. His Dad saw what happened and chased me up the street to where my Mom was just losing it
Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body
If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.
We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
Me to the bartender: When you asked me if I wouldn’t mind some head I thought you meant…
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.
Her: A group of iguanas is called a Mess. I love that.
Him: What happens if they get overheated?
Her: I see where this is going. Don’t even think of-
Him: *whispers* hot mess.
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.
Nobody:
8: “Mommy! Did you know that cowboys say YEE-HA! and ninjas say HEE-YA!”
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.
[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
i wonder if hootie ever experimented with other kinds of fish
My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.
Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.
Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.
But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.
Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.
A dog or a baby can only survive about 6 seconds in a closed car with the air conditioner off in July; an annoying fly, 2 weeks.
Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
Me: Let’s go shopping
Him: Let’s stay home
Me: Let’s talk about our feelings
Him: Let’s go shopping
Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.