My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going
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Mom: I heard Facebook is now called Metal.
Me: It’s Meta but, no, they-
Mom: My phone app still says Facebook.
Me: They didn’t-
Mom: Do I need a Metalbook app now.
Me: No, it’s META and you don-
Mom: I can’t find Metalbook on the app store.
Me [shaking fist at sky]: ZUCKERBERGGGG
You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?
Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?
5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?
I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.
*uneasily answers phone
‘Guess who?’
David?
‘No’
John?
‘No’
Mike?
‘No’
Steve?
‘No, I made you very happy the other night’
Haagen Daz?
‘NO’
Pizza Hut?
Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.
Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?
Me: Cosmetic.
I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
dead inside
her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’
is she “spiritual” or does she just really like rocks?
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.
Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?
I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?
Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? I would look pretty stupid walking around the grocery store with 12 baskets.