Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.

Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.

vampire waiter: would you like to order?

customer: I’ll have a steak

vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?

“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*

Remember the first day of school when you’d show up with your pencil case, your rucksack and your Flash Speed Mop?

My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.

I asked my 7yo why she’s so cranky and she said “I just have a lot on my plate right now” at which point my 10yo literally took a fry off her plate and that was not the right move

[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?

Girls Just Want To Have Naan

teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*

me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?

I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.

At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I’m in front of a group of people.

*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
*does macarena*

[driving on familiar, wide back roads with one car every hour or so]

Daughter (11): can we please pull over so I can pet that pony?

Me: ok, fine

SO: don’t get bit!

Son (11): [quickly gets his seatbelt off and opens his door] I’m just getting out to see her get bit!

A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge

Sounds like a bargain

[terrible nursing home]

Old guy: How did you end up here?

Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.

Him: *gasps* You monster.

Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full

Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again

Me: more pancakes please

I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.

One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.

I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.

Business is booming.

just left a huge legacy in there

It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.

Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again

“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”

–dogs

teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot

My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.

I like chaos.

-turns on news-

Not like that

The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.

I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture

The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken