Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that

Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die

If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.

I’ve found god.

It’s my turn to hide now.

Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.

Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*

Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.

That explains why they date women
half their age.

If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.

My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”

[Funeral]

Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”

Widow: “Please do”

Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”

Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”

Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.

Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.

My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.

I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.

A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic

If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified

I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl

Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.

Home Depot employee: …

1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.

2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.

JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR

[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”

I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.

I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.

Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy

Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here

Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.

Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway

[aircraft carrier]

*paints a T on the helipad*

Captain: No it has to have an H

Me: Why?

*train sounds approaching*

Captain: Oh dear god

Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”

I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.