My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.
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Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was
I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.
I think I’m having a stroke
Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal
When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.
Today and my dermatologist husband stopped a European man buying sunscreen, saying “I’m not trying to be weird, but that is not the sunscreen for you. I’m a dermatologist.” This man ended up picking out what husband recommended and said “you have great skin so I must trust you.”
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
How can vampires enjoy drinking our hot blood in the summer and other thoughts that keep me up at night
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
Flying is a luxury experience in the same way as getting a colonoscopy is one.
You realize you are privileged to be able to afford it, but that doesn’t make it feel good.
Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.
Me at 5: I’ll be famous one day.
Me at 15: I’ll be successful one day.
Me at 25: I’ll take a great vacation one day
Me now: I’ll just eat this this sauerkraut straight from the can.
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
MEN: if your date is cold, don’t just stand there; be a gentleman and allow her to cut you open so she can crawl inside and keep warm
Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to
I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.
I call people weirdos a lot for someone who can’t leave their house without checking the stove 3x even If I haven’t cooked on it since 2009.
Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.
If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.
My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”