@robfee

My shower has two settings:
-Freezing Cold
-The Ending of Terminator 2

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@TheDailySchmuck

1995: one day the Internet will allow all people access to the full breadth of human knowledge.

2016: *watching cat videos*

@Mardigroan

“How is tofu made?”

Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….

@Gupton68

The wife says the only hard things allowed in my house nowadays are boiled eggs, sudoku puzzles and the hats of the surprising number of construction workers who come by whilst I’m at work to quote for a new patio.

Surprising, because we live in a 3rd floor apartment.

@HenpeckedHal

My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.

@PedersenAhmed

My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.

So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.

@JessObsess

Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.

@ch000ch

me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it

my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill

@thatdutchperson

[making flamingos]

God: bird.

Adam: got it.

G: but it stand still a lot.

A: ok..

G: on one leg.

A: how high are you?

G: make it pink.

@50FirstTates

JOHN MAYER: i wanna run through the halls of my high school

ME: i do not relate

JOHN MAYER: i wanna scream at the top of my lungs

ME: [nodding] ok now we’re talking