My shower has two settings:
-Freezing Cold
-The Ending of Terminator 2

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HR: “..16. 16 STAPLES in Diane’s forehead…”
Me: “..it was the last twizzler”
Me: *eats twizzler*


If someone asks us why we didn’t have kids I ask them how many people they’ve had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it’s peak I’ll ask if I’m playing the none of your business game correctly.


Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.


I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit


Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.


Me: Can’t remember what I said 2 seconds ago.

Also me: Remembers verbatim our 37 min conversation about belly button lint from 5 yrs ago.


I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.


Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.