@robfee

My shower has two settings:
-Freezing Cold
-The Ending of Terminator 2

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@XGroverX

Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!

@shkeeber

I’ve been standing in IKEA with a lamp shade on my head for 3 days, hiding from the cops.

@thenatewolf

My targeted ads keep trying to sell me a new mattress. Come on, Google. Stop pretending like you don’t know exactly how much I have in the bank right now. Send me an ad for $5 footlongs or bulk rice or something.

@RunOldMan

I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.

@fro_vo

[construction site]

NEW GUY: can i use your hammer
OLD TIMER: no it’s mine

FOREMAN: guys remember we’re building a mcdonalds

NEW GUY: can i use your mc hammer
OLD TIMER: u can’t touch this

@panmidwest

ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species

@50FirstTates

genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u

me: random rule but ok

genie: seriously don’t even try

me: ok i won’t

genie:

me:

genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work

@TigNotaro

Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/

@SpacePlankton

I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.

Use protection, young people.