@robfee

My shower has two settings:
-Freezing Cold
-The Ending of Terminator 2

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@BonaFideIntent

HR:
Me:
HR:
Me:
HR: “..16. 16 STAPLES in Diane’s forehead…”
Me:
HR:
Me: “..it was the last twizzler”
HR:
Me:
HR:
Me: *eats twizzler*

@Social_Mime

If someone asks us why we didn’t have kids I ask them how many people they’ve had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it’s peak I’ll ask if I’m playing the none of your business game correctly.

@junejuly12

Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.

@Vanilla_cupcak

I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit

@BobTheSuit

Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.

@perfect_messs

Me: Can’t remember what I said 2 seconds ago.

Also me: Remembers verbatim our 37 min conversation about belly button lint from 5 yrs ago.

@squirrel74wkgn

I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.