dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s
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please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation
Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being
Running your mouth is not cardio.
My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?
Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
HELLO? HELP! I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED & DROPPED IN A NON-ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRY & I DON’T KNOW- wait. Nm. Fell asleep at Szechuan Palace again.
I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
No, I don’t need a bag; I’m gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
Ditching twitter and becoming a LinkedIn influencer who only posts things like “Didn’t write a cover letter? Then you didn’t want the job.”
[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out
cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.
I was overcharged by a plumber!
So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.
Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.
I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.
5: Whose car is this?
Grandfather: Well, let’s figure it out. I just got here and the car just got here. Whose car do you think it is?
5: Mine.