My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
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[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
My dad thought Siri would be more helpful finding a lemon ricotta recipe if he used an Italian accent.
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
do not take me to an escape room. i was a c-section. someone is gonna have to come get me
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE
Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger
#TT
At 14 I yelled, “You’ll NEVER understand Morrissey,dad!!” and tried to run dramatically out of the room but ran into a wall & fell over.
6yo: Mommy, I hope you don’t have the doctor cut your belly open to get the baby out.
4yo: Yeah, hopefully they just do the way where they squeeze it out.
Me: I’m not sure either of you really understands how labor and delivery works.
*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*
*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*
*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.
“if you could be any animal what would you be”
a cat
“why a cat”
[imagines being a complete shithead for literally no reason]
naps and stuff
Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?
*agrees with someone online* Yeah, I agree.
*disagrees with someone online* YOU’RE NOT JUST WRONG YOU’RE HITLER AND I HATE YOU FOREVER
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?
Me: I might give this money to that homeless guy
Wife: Do you want it wasted on fast food and alcohol?
Me: No
Wife: Then give it to the homeless guy
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.