My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
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When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything
Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.
Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.
My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.
Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying
WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?
ME: first of all, he says you’re rude
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga
WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?
ME:
WIFE: You fell down the stairs
ME: Yes
Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.
Pat: Thank you.
Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
society: buy a sheet for your mattress
me: ok makes sense
society: then a sheet for that sheet
me:
society: then a blanket for that sheet
me: i think-
society: and a blanket for the blanket
me: you done?
society: oh and 30 pillows
Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?
Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-
Wife: Thirty-seven
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.
She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.She just gave you her stomach virus.