Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?

Guys it is ofc possible that I have misunderstood but I have just been told that the hotel I’m staying at for work offers ‘free 24 hour cheese’

If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.

Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong

So when a cop asks you why you have a handcuff key on your key ring, saying it was his wife’s idea will get you a free ride in his cop car

one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague

I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..

There all like awww shit,

who’s it gonna be this time

My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.

55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans

November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow

At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?

It’s not 13.

If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.

[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”

Aww, thank u, son

“Mom, why did Dad leave?”

[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry

If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.

Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?

Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots

Him: Great! How’s it going?

Me: *very deep breath* so so

*Job interview

Him: Any special achievements?

Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed

H: Alright, you’re hired

M: Really?

H: No.

JESUS: [walks on water]

JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle

JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas

JUDAS: Actually..

The charge in my beard trimmer died before I finished and I’ve never felt more sympathetic to women in my entire life.

Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law

iPhone: I’m gonna update your software tonight while u sleep

*next morning*

iPhone: I couldn’t do it bro. just didn’t feel right. vibe was off

Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me:
Child:
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP

Me: How was school?

5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders

Me: what did you need to be reminded about?

5:

Me:

5: You don’t need to worry about that

Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!

*driving home*

Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.

*waving two guns around menacingly*

WHO TOOK BACK THEIR ‘LIKES’ FROM MY SELFIE

You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.

I stopped by my parent’s house today briefly and my mom told me she’s “spending the day bed rotting” & that it’s her “new thing”. I swear, it’s like I have a 70 year old teenager.

I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever

A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.

Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.