My siblings and I used to fight over food, but we grew up. Then my child would wake from a dead sleep if I opened a candy bar and she also grew up.
Today I’m eating crackers and there is the damn dog staring at me.
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[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly
Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road
I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.
i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes
Labreador
Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
you’re supposed to store treasure in your cleavage that’s why it’s called a chest.
ME: Mint choc chip ice cream, pls. I got my own cone [places it on counter]
EMPLOYEE: This is a traffic cone?
ME: You must be new here.
I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”
My cat has been looking up at the corner of the ceiling and hissing at it for the past 30 minutes in other news I just put my house up for sale.
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:
My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
estão todos miauvindo?
Olympics: carry this lit torch across the world
Smokey the bear: o hell no
My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
[Inventing Canadians]
Angels: *giggling* omg they’re SO nice!
God: Oh yeah? Check this out. *drops hockey puck*
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
[two coworkers walk into my office]
Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!
Me: Where?
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.