My siblings and I used to fight over food, but we grew up. Then my child would wake from a dead sleep if I opened a candy bar and she also grew up.
Today I’m eating crackers and there is the damn dog staring at me.
You Might Also Like
[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]
just saw a guy and girl kissing at her car outside the bar and as he walked back to his car she goes “you promise you’ll break up with her today? you better” summer is so back
Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what
the name “alvin and the chipmunks” implies that while simon and theodore are chipmunks, alvin himself is something else, something far more sinister
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time
I finally got rid of that nasty electrical charge I’ve been carrying.
I’m ex-static!
#DadJoke
Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
And send.
Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241
[sexting]
HER: I want u so bad
ME: badly
HER: what?
ME: badly…not bad…it should be an adverb
HER: you don’t sext very good
ME: you mean I don’t sext very WELL
My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.
who called it an infinity scarf instead of a scaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Of course I look tired, it’s hard pretending to be awake.
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.
my 15 yo doesn’t understand why he gets diarrhea after he eats only Pepperoni sandwiches, ramen noodles and 37 pizza bagels every day. It’s a real damn mystery.
︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎
Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes
Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?
*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*
H- Are you waving at the ground?
Me-Yes to both
when I write a work email so good I go into Sent and admire my work
Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible
7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*
“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife
peeping toms
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.