My siblings and I used to fight over food, but we grew up. Then my child would wake from a dead sleep if I opened a candy bar and she also grew up.
Today I’m eating crackers and there is the damn dog staring at me.
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Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?
Farmer: Sure
Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all
Farmer:
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies
Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.
I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.
(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re
S: Oh ffs!
Note from 5yo:
“I need help with my meth.”
I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)
My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
Can’t wait for the next debate, I’m so close to deciding who to vote for.
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.
I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it
Wife & son backing out in the car,
4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]
4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
Donuts have holes in them just like acoustic guitars but that’s pretty much where the similarities end
Everytime I spend $20 I think this is fine because I won’t do it again. And then would u believe
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.